Saturday, April 23, 2005

For those who like extremely sick humor

The Greenfields: Episode 14 is up over at For those totally beyond help "Live And Let Dive II" is also available on his
main page. Bong is optional.

I brought cool detachment to the couch

as I watched Super Size Me for the first time and rated it 5 Stars. It had me thinking about fat people in general, a few I know in particular (and how they got that way) and, more importantly, my own, very unbalanced diet. Perhaps, as a result of this film, I'll change some unhealthy eating habits.

I wonder, though, if those who need to see it most will, for any reason/excuse possible, not do so. It seems to me if we're going to ban smoking in public places, we should also ban food addiction and morbid food binging.

Friday, April 22, 2005

My neighbor's wife left him

and he sat alone in their house for three days. He couldn't unlock the door, or turn the door handle or open the door because he had no hands. He had no arms below the stumps above his elbows. He couldn't hold a phone or dial 911. He couldn't kick out the windows. He had no feet. No legs. Only stumps above the knees.

...but this isn't about what he couldn't do. He could do a lot of things. He used to roll his wheelchair out, crook the hose in his armpit and water the lawn steering with the other stump. Other days he would work both stumps and rake leaves. One time the City awarded his garden the best in town. Maybe they knew he was trying harder than most. Maybe not.

Later he died and the lawn looks like crap once again.

Stupid Questions Department:

Why does a lit cigarette say "phsst" when you put it in water?

Strangest medevacs I've seen...

1) Friendly fire from gasoline jerry can (see previous two posts). Never toss a burning gas can up and away from yourself. Nasty business.

2) Sneaky rat hides on Armored Personnel Carrier. Soldier climbs up. Rat bites soldier. Soldier flies away for rabies treatment.

3) While training in desert near sheep grazing country soldier discovers tick firmly attached to his extensible private part. Medevac chopper called. Female medic soldier arrives. Both soldiers fly away for treatment.

4) 45 caliber pistol. Soldier sleeps using flak vest as pillow. Newbie lieutenant cleans pistol. Pistol discharges. Bullet strikes flak vest. Soldier awakens. Fracas ensues. Lieutenant flies away for new assignment.

Graphic evidence.

Here's a photo of a sh*t burning detail in action...and now I think I've beat this subject pretty much to death.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

All you ever wanted to know about sh*t burning but were afraid to ask...

Back in the last great war (i.e. Viet Nam) we in the Army did our own porta-potties. We didn't have Halliburton's help in those days. We called these porta-potties "shitters" and they worked pretty well at low cost to the military: First we cut an empty fifty gallon drum in half making enough containment facilities for two shitters. Then we built a couple of shanty outhouses with flaps in back and slid our containment facilities in the back door. The newest of the new guys were then tagged as slave labour for "shit burning" detail.

Shit burning detail was quite a ritual in its own right. We dragged the smelly containment facilities into the light of day, doused them with diesel and set the chocolate-fudgey diesel mix ablaze. Smoke and noxious vapors emanated for hours. Finally the facilities were ready for reuse and returned to the darkness where they belonged.

The main rule was (because the Army always like to keep things simple) never, but never, pour gasoline on your smoking diesel to hurry up the process. The penalty for abusing this rule was a quick ride on a medevac chopper.

And now you know how we handled shit in the old days.

Extra! Extra! Bush converts to Catholicism!

I mean...why the hell not? It's a perfect match...authoritarian, cloaked in opulence and ultra conservative.

And has anyone noticed how MSNBC the last couple of months is looking like the 700 Club?

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Which is harder...

talking like a dumb ass when you're really quite bright...or sounding eloquent when you're a dumb ass?

A man died yesterday on Interstate 5.

His motorcycle flipped as he darted into a north bound military convoy. I didn't know this while I sat on my front lawn in the sun drinking beer and watching the traffic backup. I5 North slowed to a crawl then shortly thereafter Union Avenue, our two lane main drag, filled with more cars trying to avoid the interstate congestion.

I sipped awhile and watched this cluster then hoofed my way a block to the local tavern. Several hours later a female medic who works in the Madigan Army Hospital "OR" dropped in. She said the man was married, had two kids, was active Army and she saw him bleed all the way from the "ER" to the "OR." She went back to drinking her beer.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

They're preparing Armegeddon as we speak.

Tin foil hat time: Imagine the new Pope putting the entire weight of his papacy (and his one billion followers) behind Bush's war on terra. What? Did you think Bush showed up at the funeral for Italian coffee? Recruitment is down. And this represents a LOT of cannon fodder.

Essence of a G.I. town.

Can you spot the sign which proves there's at least
one liberal living here? (Click on image to enlarge.)

Monday, April 18, 2005

When they said let's patch up

the old building, I had no idea they were going to use all these
brigades and divisions to do it.

The other day someone asked me

"How's it goin', old-timer?"

I was stunned, mortified, appalled. I know I'm older than dirt, getting "up there" as they say...but I didn't realize OTHER people realize it. Does anyone have a link for jowl removal cream?

Several silly questions:

What is music?
Is music simply rhythm or multiple rhythms arranged in a pleasing way to form harmony?
Is "air" required for music or could the movement of celestial bodies be cosmic music on a scale so grand we cannot hear?
Is rhythm, and thereby music, the ultimate universal truth without which there is nothing?

More party shots.

The bartendress. ("I can't drink on duty, but I sure as hell can dance.")

The ribs. Self-explanatory. And gone.

Yesterday was "Send John To Georgia Day"...

all day. Beer and barbecued ribs. Beer. Then more beer for good measure. John, who recently returned from Iraq, finally drew a hardship tour.

That's your intrepid blogger, me, on the right (next to John) holding a foo-foo brandy glass. I don't drink brandy. They handed me the glass so I wouldn't be naked in the photo.

Feeling lucky?

Pull tab bowls at the local VFW...
scene of many broken hearts and broken wallets.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

OK...I'll bite.

With greasy fingers and a loud, obnoxiously odorous belch (top and bottom) I ordered Super Size Me - A Film Of Epic Proportions (without fries) which should be arriving on Wednesday. I've got three days to eat hearty. After that, back to the beer and corn dogs.